Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was terrified with each passing day that Grayson was getting bigger and bigger. I had visions of delivering a 15lb baby, and based on my weight gain, I was convinced he was going to be humongous. But when Grayson was born he was definitely small for his gestational age. Delivering at 41 weeks and him weighing in at barely 7lbs was not what we were expecting. He was swimming in his newborn sized clothes and wore them until he was over 2 months old.

I hadn’t talked much to anyone (other than our pediatrician) about his small size. I was embarrassed and once again felt some Mom failure. Was my milk not enough for him? I knew I was producing well and he was eating plenty when I wasn’t home too, so it must be something wrong with my milk. Right? I eat healthy and take vitamins. I feed him on demand. I put so much effort into maintaining my supply and he still wasn’t growing.

His weight percentiles dropped from the 40s down below 10 by his 4-month appointment. There was no sign of leveling off. Just a constant decline. He was on the verge of being considered “failure to thrive.” Our pediatrician recommended starting some solids and introducing cereal. My heart sunk. I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months before introducing solids, and I had never wanted to do cereal. I struggled for a couple weeks before deciding on what to do.

At 4 and a half months, I reluctantly mixed some oatmeal cereal in with breast milk and spoon fed it to Grayson. He loved it and I couldn’t believe how interested he was in trying to feed himself. I’ve given avocado and sweet potato purée since then and he is loving it! I only give the veggies about 3-4 times a week but offer oatmeal every night. He is so interested in the food we feed him and has been growing better.

At his 5-month weight check, Grayson was back up in the 22nd percentile for weight. Slowly climbing but making progress.

Our 5-month-old baby still fits in 0-3 month clothes and that’s okay. He’s moving in the right direction. I had to compromise what I initially believed was right and do what was in Grayson’s best interest. He is finally thriving, and if that means giving him veggies a little earlier than I wanted then so be it. I’m just happy to see my little guy growing.

Motherhood isn’t perfect. We have to adapt to our circumstances and constantly reassess what works for baby. People still comment (almost daily) on how tiny he is. I feel that little twinge of guilt and failure, and it’s so hard not to be upset. But I just remind myself that he’s come a long way, and I’m making the best decisions for him.

Straight out of the womb Grayson latched like a champ and nursed for an hour. I was pleasantly surprised! Since the delivery was not anything like I had imagined, I was nervous that breastfeeding would not be the easy road I was hoping for. Thankfully, I never struggled with painful, cracked, or bleeding nipples. Despite the C-Section, I was still able to cradle hold him and find comfort in nursing. My supply came in immediately. And Grayson didn’t suffer from any lip or tongue ties.

My goal is to nurse for at least 1 year. It’s been over 4 months and we’re still going strong. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing though. I’ve struggled with an oversupply and then fluctuations in my supply after going back to work. Both came with difficult challenges I needed to tackle head-on.

Right after Grayson was born I think I inadvertently helped facilitate an oversupply. I was so nervous about not being successful at breastfeeding and not having enough milk, I would pump at least twice every day on top of breastfeeding every hour or two. I had always had an aggressive let down that caused Grayson to choke and gag on my milk, but things seemed to be getting worse. He was also showing signs of getting too much foremilk and not enough hindmilk. We tried to introduce a pacifier to maybe eliminate some of the comfort nursing. Even though he would only take it occasionally, this actually did seem to help the problem. My body started to regulate to a more manageable level of milk.

Going back to work, however, led to a whole different slew of issues.

First I had to figure out how to effectively pump at work. Not an easy transition to make. Because I obviously could not pump as often as I would nurse, my supply took a dive. This was the second, and much more difficult, problem to solve. Now I was regretting hating my oversupply. I blew through almost my entire freezer stash in just the first couple weeks of working. Thankfully I found some tricks that worked for me and helped make this whole process easier and help get my supply back.

1. I made sure to stay hydrated. In my opinion, water is the most important factor in being successful at breastfeeding. I always make sure to have water within my reach especially while breastfeeding.  I aim to drink at least 150 oz of water every day. My job requires a ton of running around all day. but I make sure to always keep a full water bottle near me.
2. I got my hands on every lactation booster I could find. Cookies, protein powder, fenugreek, malunggay powder, tea. I tried everything. I added one at a time every few days to make sure none of these had any adverse side effects on Grayson. Now I am able to include a few of these into my routine every day.
3. I changed my diet to include more milk boosting foods. Thankfully, managing a health food restaurant means that I have lots of access to great options. I also started eating more. I made sure eat more during the day to keep my calorie count up and also snack while nursing or pumping.
4. When my supply drops down, I make sure to pump more often. While at work, I take 2 pump breaks, but I make sure to get a session in before and after my shift as well. On my days off, I try to pump twice (on top of feeding him) to keep my body producing more milk. Because my oversupply has dwindled, this usually brings me back up to a more consistent level for Grayson.

Not every day is easy with breastfeeding. I love the bond that it gives me with Grayson, and I love that I’m feeding him exactly what he needs. But breastfeeding is exhausting. Beyond the extreme hunger and thirst that it causes, it is mentally and physically draining. I’ve never had so much to do in my life, and spending at least 30 minutes every couple hours sitting still (staring at a house full of chores to do) while a tiny human attacks my nipples is not exactly ideal.

Every time I start to get in my own head and dwell on all this negativity surrounding breastfeeding, I try to remind myself that it is just temporary. One day I will be missing all of this. He’s only this little for so long, and I should try to enjoy all the nursing snuggles I get. This is a type of bonding that we only get for a short amount of time, and while it can be frustrating, I am so thankful for every day that I am able to breastfeed baby G. This is exactly what I want for him, and I know our relationship is growing stronger because of it. Breastfeeding has been more beautiful than I ever imagined, and I am so appreciative that it was so easy for Grayson.