Our journey with Grayson’s ear infections has been very eye-opening for us as a family. Hayden and I had never suffered from ear infections as children, so both of us, as well as our parents, had no idea how to deal with this. We were so unfamiliar with ear infections that we did not even recognize most of Grayson’s symptoms as they popped up. Although to be fair the most notable symptom is loss of balance… well he’s 1 and new to walking so he’s always a little wobbly. The other main sign of an infection is muffled hearing. Hmm a baby who doesn’t listen to his mom? How shocking. Unfortunately for Grayson, we could not distinguish between completely normal toddler behavior and these ridiculous symptoms. How are you supposed to know the difference?!

Grayson’s ear infections were first diagnosed in November after he was sent home from daycare with a low-grade fever. Due to the severity of the infections, the pediatrician recommended antibiotics right away instead of taking the “wait and see” approach. At our follow up appointment both ears were still horribly infected, so on to the second type of antibiotics we went. After 4 failed rounds of oral antibiotics, 2 rounds of injected antibiotics (2 shots each day for 3 days back to back), a fifth oral antibiotic, 4 urgent care visits, 15 trips to our pediatrician’s office, and 4 months with not even a single improvement from any of those efforts, we were finally referred to a pediatric ENT. After reviewing our history, the doctor immediately wanted to schedule us for surgery.

Life works in funny ways. The one and only day they had availability for Grayson’s surgery was the same day we had booked our flight to see Hayden graduate from basic training in South Carolina. So now I have to choose—sending Grayson into surgery to improve his hearing, speech, comfort, and overall happiness OR take him to see his father who he has not had any contact with in 12 weeks and who he would not see for an additional 12 weeks after. I obviously opted for us to visit Hayden and postpone the operation a few weeks.

Unfortunately, a few days before we were set to leave I got a phone call from his daycare that he had a fever of 101 and I needed to come pick him up. When I showed up to get him, his fever had spiked to 105 and he was surrounded by teachers trying to cool his body down. I had to rush him to the emergency room where he was given more medication, fluids, and had tons of tests run on him. Ultimately they decided that he had picked up some kind of viral infection on top of the ear infections. They also evaluated his ears and said that his eardrums were at risk of rupturing on the plane. I mean come on… give us a break here!

Well, he survived the flights with no ruptures and was basically more medicine than baby when we were in South Carolina. Oral antibiotics twice a day, antihistamine twice a day, eye drops 3 times a day, alternating Tylenol and Motrin if his fever spiked. This poor boy was so over it!

When the big day finally came Grayson was so brave. His surgery was scheduled for 9:45am which meant no food after 7pm the night before. No milk after 3am. No water after 7am, which is before he generally wakes up anyway. I was so worried about Grayson not being able to eat for so long. I mean it is his favorite activity after all! I did not want him to get dehydrated or HANGRY (which, like mama, he is very prone to doing) and not being able to explain what was happening made everything so much harder! I did, however, decide to wake him up at 2am to breastfeed him to help keep him even slightly more comfortable the following morning.

After arriving at the hospital we still had to wait another 2 hours before he was taken back to the OR. Trying to entertain a hungry, dehydrated, bored, tired toddler who keeps pulling down your shirt begging for milk in front of nurses and other parents, is not an easy task! And apparently one I did not do well as Grayson was crying and aggressively trying to destroy our hospital room. Thankfully he was taken back without struggle and the operation took less than 15 minutes. He was technically in recovery coming off of the anesthesia for longer than he was in the surgery. The nurses took such great care of him and he even got a post-op popsicle! No tears after waking up and this boy did not let the drugs keep him down. As soon as we got home, this crazy kid was a ball of energy and already back to his old self. Full appetite (of course) and even skipped his nap.

This first week after the surgery and we can already see such an improvement in Grayson’s demeanor. He is listening better, able to pronounce more words and run through the house with no wobbles. He seems so much more comfortable and is noticeably happier! The decision to put your 1-year old through a fully anesthetized surgery is never going to be an easier one. Even up until they took him away I was still questioning if it was the right decision, but seeing this huge improvement in such a short amount of time solidified that this was the right decision for us!

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was terrified with each passing day that Grayson was getting bigger and bigger. I had visions of delivering a 15lb baby, and based on my weight gain, I was convinced he was going to be humongous. But when Grayson was born he was definitely small for his gestational age. Delivering at 41 weeks and him weighing in at barely 7lbs was not what we were expecting. He was swimming in his newborn sized clothes and wore them until he was over 2 months old.

I hadn’t talked much to anyone (other than our pediatrician) about his small size. I was embarrassed and once again felt some Mom failure. Was my milk not enough for him? I knew I was producing well and he was eating plenty when I wasn’t home too, so it must be something wrong with my milk. Right? I eat healthy and take vitamins. I feed him on demand. I put so much effort into maintaining my supply and he still wasn’t growing.

His weight percentiles dropped from the 40s down below 10 by his 4-month appointment. There was no sign of leveling off. Just a constant decline. He was on the verge of being considered “failure to thrive.” Our pediatrician recommended starting some solids and introducing cereal. My heart sunk. I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months before introducing solids, and I had never wanted to do cereal. I struggled for a couple weeks before deciding on what to do.

At 4 and a half months, I reluctantly mixed some oatmeal cereal in with breast milk and spoon fed it to Grayson. He loved it and I couldn’t believe how interested he was in trying to feed himself. I’ve given avocado and sweet potato purée since then and he is loving it! I only give the veggies about 3-4 times a week but offer oatmeal every night. He is so interested in the food we feed him and has been growing better.

At his 5-month weight check, Grayson was back up in the 22nd percentile for weight. Slowly climbing but making progress.

Our 5-month-old baby still fits in 0-3 month clothes and that’s okay. He’s moving in the right direction. I had to compromise what I initially believed was right and do what was in Grayson’s best interest. He is finally thriving, and if that means giving him veggies a little earlier than I wanted then so be it. I’m just happy to see my little guy growing.

Motherhood isn’t perfect. We have to adapt to our circumstances and constantly reassess what works for baby. People still comment (almost daily) on how tiny he is. I feel that little twinge of guilt and failure, and it’s so hard not to be upset. But I just remind myself that he’s come a long way, and I’m making the best decisions for him.

Straight out of the womb Grayson latched like a champ and nursed for an hour. I was pleasantly surprised! Since the delivery was not anything like I had imagined, I was nervous that breastfeeding would not be the easy road I was hoping for. Thankfully, I never struggled with painful, cracked, or bleeding nipples. Despite the C-Section, I was still able to cradle hold him and find comfort in nursing. My supply came in immediately. And Grayson didn’t suffer from any lip or tongue ties.

My goal is to nurse for at least 1 year. It’s been over 4 months and we’re still going strong. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing though. I’ve struggled with an oversupply and then fluctuations in my supply after going back to work. Both came with difficult challenges I needed to tackle head-on.

Right after Grayson was born I think I inadvertently helped facilitate an oversupply. I was so nervous about not being successful at breastfeeding and not having enough milk, I would pump at least twice every day on top of breastfeeding every hour or two. I had always had an aggressive let down that caused Grayson to choke and gag on my milk, but things seemed to be getting worse. He was also showing signs of getting too much foremilk and not enough hindmilk. We tried to introduce a pacifier to maybe eliminate some of the comfort nursing. Even though he would only take it occasionally, this actually did seem to help the problem. My body started to regulate to a more manageable level of milk.

Going back to work, however, led to a whole different slew of issues.

First I had to figure out how to effectively pump at work. Not an easy transition to make. Because I obviously could not pump as often as I would nurse, my supply took a dive. This was the second, and much more difficult, problem to solve. Now I was regretting hating my oversupply. I blew through almost my entire freezer stash in just the first couple weeks of working. Thankfully I found some tricks that worked for me and helped make this whole process easier and help get my supply back.

1. I made sure to stay hydrated. In my opinion, water is the most important factor in being successful at breastfeeding. I always make sure to have water within my reach especially while breastfeeding.  I aim to drink at least 150 oz of water every day. My job requires a ton of running around all day. but I make sure to always keep a full water bottle near me.
2. I got my hands on every lactation booster I could find. Cookies, protein powder, fenugreek, malunggay powder, tea. I tried everything. I added one at a time every few days to make sure none of these had any adverse side effects on Grayson. Now I am able to include a few of these into my routine every day.
3. I changed my diet to include more milk boosting foods. Thankfully, managing a health food restaurant means that I have lots of access to great options. I also started eating more. I made sure eat more during the day to keep my calorie count up and also snack while nursing or pumping.
4. When my supply drops down, I make sure to pump more often. While at work, I take 2 pump breaks, but I make sure to get a session in before and after my shift as well. On my days off, I try to pump twice (on top of feeding him) to keep my body producing more milk. Because my oversupply has dwindled, this usually brings me back up to a more consistent level for Grayson.

Not every day is easy with breastfeeding. I love the bond that it gives me with Grayson, and I love that I’m feeding him exactly what he needs. But breastfeeding is exhausting. Beyond the extreme hunger and thirst that it causes, it is mentally and physically draining. I’ve never had so much to do in my life, and spending at least 30 minutes every couple hours sitting still (staring at a house full of chores to do) while a tiny human attacks my nipples is not exactly ideal.

Every time I start to get in my own head and dwell on all this negativity surrounding breastfeeding, I try to remind myself that it is just temporary. One day I will be missing all of this. He’s only this little for so long, and I should try to enjoy all the nursing snuggles I get. This is a type of bonding that we only get for a short amount of time, and while it can be frustrating, I am so thankful for every day that I am able to breastfeed baby G. This is exactly what I want for him, and I know our relationship is growing stronger because of it. Breastfeeding has been more beautiful than I ever imagined, and I am so appreciative that it was so easy for Grayson.

Let’s talk Mom Guilt.

Not every day is going to be perfect. Some days babies fall. Some days you have to work late. Some days you use the tv as a distraction. Some days sleep schedules don’t work out. And it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the guilt of it all.

Last month Grayson rolled off the couch and hit his head. Ugh the mom guilt. How could I let that happen? I just walked away for a minute. Obviously I know accidents happen, and he wasn’t hurt at all, but oh the guilt. That deep in your belly, heart-wrenching burn that just takes over. You want to just hold onto them forever or permanently cover them in bubble wrap. Make sure nothing else ever happens. Everyone I talked to (including the fire department who very quickly showed up to our house after a panicked 911 call) reassured me that he was fine and babies fall a lot. A 2-foot drop onto carpet was not going to do him any harm. But even the firemen couldn’t encourage me enough to get rid of the guilt. I had to remind myself every day for weeks that these things happen. That Grayson is happy and healthy. That this was just the first of many bumps and bruises my little explorer is going to encounter.

As a working mom, it’s very hard not to get overwhelmed by guilt some days. Even going back part-time means I’m leaving Baby G for 10 hours a day, 4 days a week. He’s been so used to spending all day, every day with me for 3 months. How could I just one day walk out the door and leave him for 10 hours? I can’t even explain to him that I’m coming back. What if he feels abandoned? How do I justify going to work over spending time with my brand new baby? Do I trust other people to make the same decisions I would make? I want him to bond with our nanny, but I have this irrational fear that he’ll love her more than me. Some days it’s very hard not to just stay home snuggling him all day. Ultimately I know that spending some time away from me will be good for him, but selfishly I want him all to myself. I want more time to keep bonding and building our relationship.

Some days I have to spend a lot of time reminding myself that I’m not always going to be perfect….far from it actually. But I’m exactly who my baby needs me to be, and every day creates new opportunities for me to be a better mama to him. I’ll make mistakes and let him fall off a couch and (occasionally) use a tv to distract him so I can get 5 minutes to wash my face. But that’s okay. Because there is still value in everything I do with Grayson. I provide for him everything that he needs from me.

We deal with a lot as mothers and there’s so much that people try to shame us and make us feel guilty for. Apparently, everyone else knows better and feels very compelled to let us know that. But I’m here to tell you that there is not one right way to parent. Every family, baby, and situation is so different. Crib vs co-sleeping. Breastfeeding vs formula. Cry it out vs no crying at all. Staying at home vs working. Nanny vs daycare. Not everything works for every baby. Parenting isn’t one size fits all and being a mother is hard enough without people constantly trying to “correct” what we are doing. Let us mother the way we feel we are meant to and just know that we are all doing the best we can.

You’re doing great mama!